Does this dress make me look fat? (She)

She said: 

I really don’t see what the big deal is. Why do guys have such a hard time answering such a simple question? Is it wrong to ask for my man’s opinion on what I am wearing? No it is not wrong. Sometimes, it is almost as though he doesn’t really notice me any more. I am no longer the sexy vivacious woman he couldn’t keep his hands off in the early days of our relationship. Now when he looks at me, all he sees is the female person he has chosen to make his life with, no more excitement, just routine. I am his guaranteed date to occasions where one is required and the one woman he doesn’t need to sweet-talk into having sex with him. I am his partner, we share plans, thoughts, responsibilities and I suppose that should be enough.

But it isn’t. I still want to know that he sees me, I mean really sees me. I don’t want to blend in with the furniture. So every now and then, I’ll say, “Hey honey, does this dress make me look fat?” He usually mumbles something and leaves the room which, I can assure you, is not quite the reaction I am looking for when I ask that question. But usually I let it go.

However, things changed recently when I overheard him talking with his boys one evening when they were hanging out and watching then game in the den. So it turns out all of them, my man included, agree that this is one of the most infuriating questions a woman can ask. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, they all kept going on and on about how ridiculous it was for a woman to place the blame for “looking fat” on a dress. In their opinion, you were either fat or not, the dress had nothing to do with anything. I shook my head at their ignorance. Then I realized that I could not really blame them; I mean what does a guy’s wardrobe really consist of? Various combinations of shirts and pants… that’s it! On any given day, a man may make choices like the following about what to wear:

Button-down or T-shirt? (Which is essentially the same as…)

Collared or collarless ?(Too formal? Too casual?)

Tie or tie-less ?(Is this even worth mentioning?)

Dress shoes or sneakers? (Too formal? Too casual?)

Jeans or dress-pants? (Too formal? Too…well, I’m sure you get my drift.)

Jacket/Coat/Hoodie? (Is it winter?)

These choices are ridiculously easy. This is why most of us can help our men pick out an outfit in seconds and with our eyes closed. Now compare this to what the average woman needs to take into consideration when dressing up on any given day. I will only list a few due to space and time restrictions:

Dress or pants or skirt? (Will it be windy? Can’t afford a Marilyn Monroe moment!)

Long pants or shorts? (What’s the temperature? Have I shaved my legs?)

Mini-dress or maxi? (Am I feeling like a vixen or a goddess today?)

Sleeves or sleeveless? (Are my under-arms baby-smooth?)

Heels or flats? (Will there be a lot of walking/standing/dancing/sitting?)

Covered shoes or sandals? (Will there be concrete/sand/mud? Is it going to rain?) Slippers? Flip flops? (Will this look too casual? Can I wear flipflops with these pants?)

Loose fit or figure-hugging? (Accentuate assets, conceal flaws, create illusion!)

Does this dress have tummy control? (I’m a few days from my period, feeling bloated already. Aaargh!! I can’t fit in my skinny jeans either, now I’m pissed off!!)

Spanx?????

Believe it or not, guys, this is not even scratching the surface. For instance, I haven’t even mentioned Hair (Up? Down? Ponytail? Bun? Straight? Wavy?) and Makeup (Natural? Soft? Sultry? Seductive? Sweet?). The list goes on and on, right ladies? The mere act of getting dressed can be an emotional roller-coaster, it’s a wonder we are able to leave home at all!

To cut a long story short, yes, a dress can actually make us look fat depending on a combination of factors including those listed above.

Another thing I overheard during that conversation my man was having with his friends was one of them saying how there was no correct answer to the question, “Does this dress make me look fat?” He said that if you answered “Yes”, you were instantly seen as mean-spirited and hurtful. On the other hand, if you answered, “No” there was usually an even more infuriating follow-up question. I almost laughed out loud when I heard this, which would have caused them to realize I had been eavesdropping. Not at all what I wanted, so I had to control myself.

Let me help clear this up for the men. The only correct response to the question, “Does this dress make me look fat?” is:

“No baby, nothing could ever make you look fat. You are the sexiest woman I have ever known and I find you more irresistible with each passing day. Honestly darling, to me you’re even more beautiful now than you were on the day we met!” (After saying this, close the distance between you two and look straight into her eyes for about 3 seconds, then leave the room abruptly.)

Boom!! That’s the one-two punch! You don’t have to use my exact words, in fact you probably shouldn’t. The lady in your life can easily pick up on things you say that aren’t true, especially if you two have been together for sometime. Therefore, use your own words, be sincere, any variation along the same theme will do.

She will be bewildered, fascinated, emotional (roller-coaster remember?) and so in love with you at that very moment that she will be rendered completely speechless. You on the other hand, will then be able to escape to the safety of another room and watch your favorite show while she finishes getting dressed. Remember to compliment the final outfit when she eventually makes her appearance.ΩΩΝ

In conclusion, here’s what I would like the man in my life to know. When I ask if a dress makes me look fat, what I am really asking is, “Do you still find me attractive?”, “Do I still excite you?” and “Do you still see me?” Now that you know what’s really going on, you can avoid this relationship pit-fall. Focus on what’s behind the question and you may never have to answer it.